Friday, August 28, 2009

Mixed Emotions

Wow... with everyone going back to school and each and every person in my life going a million zillion miles an hour... just wow... that I have time to sit, and think, and enjoy what is left of this summer...

I say I have mixed emotions about this weekend. I say "mixed" because I don't know what other words describe it. I say this in the hopes of something pops out of the screen and hits me like a freight train... I know My God is big enough for this weekend! If I know that, then why should I have mixed emotions about this weekend???? My Savior, My GOD, MY REDEEMER, MY BEST FRIEND, MY ONE AND ONLY WAY OF SALVATION! CHRIST JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This weekend is going to rock everyone's socks off! We've built it up and up and all we can do is pray that God takes over this weekend, that He just simply shows off like only He can...

Dear God,
I just want to thank you. Thank you for loving me... thank you for dying for me! Thank you for loving me enough to send your son for me... I could never be more in debt for the price that was paid just for me to be saved... Jesus, you are my best friend, I pray that this weekend, I can show you off .... I want to be able to lift you up like I have never done before... This weekend is different than Ignite... I was hesitant, I was holding back, I was the road block and yet, YOU still moved, You moved me, the kids, the leaders, everyone involved, God, you are truly amazing and wonderful and awestruck and Jehovah... my Jesus, you... you love me... that love that no one else can take away from me, that hope that is within me, no one can take that away from me, there is something about the way I'm thinking, the way I'm praying God that You are setting something up... you are preparing a way for me this weekend... God I feel your presence, I know you are with me... my mixed emotions are gone... I'm full force, ready for this weekend... all because of YOU, all because you are my force, my refuge, my redeemer, my Christ... I love you Jesus, I trust you...
In your precious, sweet, love-filled name,
I just pray that you open my heart this weekend,

Saturday, August 22, 2009

I'm not the driver here... promise!

You would think I would blog more often... but I haven't... sorry blog readers! haha (all 4 of you...)

So, I'm playing golf tomorrow!!! My first time ever playing golf (a whole 18 holes and everything!) Should be in for an interesting, funny time!!!

Everybody, and I mean EVERYBODY!!!, is back in school, except for me :( I don't go back for another 2 weeks!!!! I'm still hangin out with friends, but not as much as before school :(

--Side note--
Final Desination- not scary at all! Just weird and creepy!!!!!!!!!!!1

This song has been the story of this summer, or more precisely, the past 2 weeks::
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Takeing every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait

I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

Waiting... patiently... this is sooooooooooo hard!!! There are so many things going on in my life, so many new people, new experiences, new life changes... My God is so much biggger than all my worries, my doubts... He knows exactly what I need, where I am going, and every single little detail in my life... EVERY SINGLE DETAIL!!!!!! Then what's there to worry about? Nothing!!!
Ah... what a sigh of relief, to type that, and think on that for a moment... every detail is figured out by an all-knowing God!!! Anything from eating, talking, dating...

I guess this is what has gotten me thinking... I feel like I'm in the dark. I know God is there, carrying me through this time in my life... I just can't see where I'm going... and it shouldn't matter, I know God has a plan and a purpose for my life, so the future, or even the immediate future shouldn't matter, I just want to see something, I want to see where I am going.. it's like in a car, if I'm in the back seat, I have to see where we're going, or I get to feeling funny- kinda car sick, kinda not. But I know that I know that I know that my God is bigger than this doubt, bigger than my worries... He is carrying me through this, and it doesn't matter what, who, where, how, anything goes...

Dear God,
I pray that you open my heart. Open my heart to understanding, to knowing what You want for me. I pray that you take my worries away. Take my insignificant thoughts about being in the dark away. God, You are sooo much bigger than any problem I face, any issue I come across. So many times I fall short. I fall on my face everytime I try on my own. I thank you for picking me up, brushing me off, and putting me back on track. You are awesome! I love you Jesus!!! I trust you Jesus!!

In Your precious, sweet saving son's name I pray,

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Holy Flippin Cow!

It has been a month since my last blog!???!?!?!?!!

WOW So much has gone on, so little time! Who am I kidding, I have another month before school starts back :)

God has really worn me out... He is wearing me down so much that all I can do is look to Him... I try and I try and I try again and again. I get no where. I go to anybody and everybody, anyone that has two ears to hear, I try to get their help... I don't want to accept the fact that they can't help me... I'm dying... not a physical death, (not that I know of anyway) My spirit... I am so worn out from life, just thinking about this situation, or that situation, or what is going to happen if I do this, or date her, or hang out with them, or party here, or work there... there are soooo many options and soooo many doors and traps in life that I can't handle them all...

A good way to handle this way of thinking::

1.) Deep breath.
2.) Relax. God is in control.
3.) Duh! Jesus!??!? He is flippin sweet!
4.) Fall in love with Jesus and you're good to go...
5.) Jesus takes care of everything after step 4...

I know there are tons and tons of scripture that point to what to do in situations where you are feeling disappointed, or down... for instance, 2 Chronicles 20:15-- Do not be afraid or disappointed, for the battle is not yours, but God's. or what about Jerimiah 29:11 -- for I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper and not to harm, a hope and a future.

These are great... but the verse that sticks out in my head right now is the one that I have written on a rubber band around my wrist... Luke 14:27-- Anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple...

What cross do I have to bear? Sin? I love sin, I'm human, we all do, honestly, the conviction of that love for sin, that's a big cross, a very deep thought, so it's not that bad unless you really think about it... my cross is that daily fight to do what I know is right... the thing that my Savior would say 'well done, my good and faithful servant!" I fail miserable at that, every single day... but by the grace of God, I am forgiven of my short comings and He embraces me with His love... I want to be His disciple, I want to be His child, I want Jesus to be my BFF I want to fall so in love with Jesus that this world can't even think about touching me...

What will it cost me? what will this devotion to Jesus cost? Will it cost me my friends, family, job, education??? What am I willing to give for the cause of the cross? what am I willing to do??? Jesus DIED for me, and what do I do? How can I NOT want to be like Him, serve Him, love Him???

Dear God,
I pray tonight that you open my heart, open my heart to Your will. Open my eyes to the doors before me. Open the doors you want open. Move me, Lord, move me!!! I feel as if a mountain is in the way, and I am stuck in the valley. I know you are with me, and will never forsake me, so I do not fear. I pray that you blow me away with the view at the top of this valley. This valley has many holes and traps, and many "quick routes" to the top. God, you are my only way, You are the reason I want to reach the top. I want to go where you lead me. Lord, lead me... mold me... I pray tonight that You continue to pore Your grace and mercy upon me, that You continue to lead me through this valley, this narrow road through the valley. I pray that I fall more and more in love with my savior, I pray that no matter what this world throws at me, that I do not veer off the track laid before me. I pray dear Jesus that you take me by the hand and show me the way to go.

In your Name, Amen.